dust

notes app snippets

ever since i was a little girl i liked the idea of having sex. i liked weird off-putting people. stuff caused me anxiety. having a face felt violent. i wanted to mean something yet couldn't utter i love you to my best friend. i think about her a lot and being in her bedroom. his dad smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. imagining what that would feel like. translucent japanese sweet. i never liked studying. i never liked sitting like a lady. i always liked guessing what language tourists speak. felt smart when i was correct. my dad once said i was meant for something great. my elementary school teachers told me with work i could become somebody people would listen to. where is that person now? too much history that sometimes bubbles up, like i'm in new zealand. hot sweet and sour soup.

what instagram recommended says about me

i love exploring asian food and culture

i am mesmerized by hitchhiking and using travel to connect and explore yourself

i love cute outfits and want to dress more me

i want to go to brazil and taiwan and thailand

i want to go backpacking

(there is something to be said about algorithms shaping my wants and looking for inspiration in the muddiness of the internet, but still these patterns show my interests. i should be exploring these hands on and without ig reels..)

its fine. i am having a good time. i will learn to drive and ill have a lot of fun this fine. i don’t give a fuck. i’m fine. nothing bad will come out of this. i’m just really hungry. i will sit in the fun and smile wide in the beer garden. cant wait to drink a sour cherry can and be so funny and cool. get along with everyone and love this one life. obsessively trying and art makes me cry which tells me everything i need to know. okay, i have to get back to marketing and my mango black tea is finished but world alone is blasting in my ears and i will be so so sweet not sour.

I WANT TO BE MORE CURIOUS THAN SCARED

self

i love oolong tea

when i treat myself bad i am a bitch to others too

my favourite drinks are: thai milk tea, brown sugar boba, jasmine green tea cold-brewed, oolong cold-brewed, black tea with milk

tuna makes me nauseous and want to puke

i like cold brew coffee even without sugar hm

everything i feel is written on my face.. i do not like this

is physics the only thing he likes?

how am i ever going to be a self-sustaining human

winter is so fucking depressing the snow covered up my apathy i forgot

its a new low even for me to be listening to sabrina carpenter’s mirage.. 3th grade fantasy i’ll never change

i've never had this many colors of pants. light blue, dark blue, blue, cordoruoy light brown, black for work. i have no work. i hope it snows when we're going home. i want to see the city and take photos of snow coloured eyelashes.

i’ve been eating like a carnivore on some days and like a crazy eco conscious vegan on the other days. my face is frozen into perpetual awe. (my mouth is agape so my nose runs less). listening to wet leg. i love it when she says: am i scaring you? well whats a girl to do? its like i took my head out of the freezer. giant scarf holds it on my shoulders.

i woke up way too late even though i jumped out of my bed at my alarm. i went straight back to dreamland. even though it was nightmarish, about how overprotecting and intense my mother is. then i meditated about seeing him today. and then i realised what time it was. i left the house with 95% dry hair this time though! proud of that. not proud of my behaviour the past days but proud of that.