gibberish

rat-creatures living in walls

i play dress up and spin around upstairs. tthe room is my oyster.. fucking boring. recently i’ve had the cosmos leaving me no choice but to move ahead. my bed broke, rat-creature moved into the walls, my cat wouldn’t stop scratching the walls to get to the creature at 2 am. actually this was in december and then i went away and didn’t think for 3 weeks. which i kinda regret. it’s way too easy for to not think and still be so up my own ass. i guess what i’m trying to say, is that the creature died, my bed’s missing part arrived early. yet i’m still here. same spot. same fucking face. same soul. make me leave. do it stronger. give me a current i can’t get through. swirl me up. i guess i can beg all i fucking want. it’s me me meeeee. no one’s going to do it but me i guess. i put every movie about anyone figuring out the only person against themselves is them. i am a brick weighting 66666 tons. i am my worst enemy and i blame a lot of things for it. whenever i feel guilt i grab my phone and disappear into the vortex.

how does one start being a person? i struggle with idealizing my future self. she’s fucking perfect and turns me on. and i am.. so not like her. she lives in clouds in my mind. taunting me. wanting to be her hasn’t amounted to anything in the material world. i act out of fear as of now. i want to act to feel alive. i want passion to be my fuel. i want to be creative. i want to feel alive. numbness is a thousand times worse than feeling bad, rejected, unwanted etc.

i watched a real pain tonight. fuck it was so good. i don’t really have much to say it just got to my soul. i want to be a star-eyed girl. i want to be benji too. i wish i could cry deeply. i get teary watching any movie but a good sob would feel niceee.